The Spank Vault wants preppers to stockpile 40TB of porn next to the beans

Food, fuel, and firearms are usually top of the priority list for many members of the global prepper movement. But what about access to hardcore porn when the apocalypse comes and the internet shuts down?

A new offline porn device called The Spank Vault is supposedly in the works, with its makers hoping that preppers will make room in their underground bunkers for a suitcase full of explicit adult content.

The package comprises a solar-powered mini PC, power station and wifi system contained in a durable box. The computer is preloaded with porn, plus a generative AI porn tool.

The Spank Vault is being offered by an OnlyFans search engine, which describes it as an “offline doomsday porn backup for when the internet breaks”.

The company’s founder said that The Spank Vault “holds everything you need to keep the porn flowing after the internet dies”. He suggested that reports of AI recently finding “critical flaws” in the PHP programming language used by many sites showed that the need for offline content vaults may not be far off.

But will The Spank Vault ever get made? Is it just a fun marketing wheeze with an enjoyably silly name, designed to whip up interest (and links) to the search engine behind it? Currently there are no images of the actual system, just illustrative renders (such as those we’ve provided in this article).

However, relatively detailed specs are listed online, along with price tiers and a shipping month of January 2027.

The system will reportedly feature an AI mini PC with a 10-core processor, 10-core graphics and 16GB memory. It will have its own offline wifi hotspot that smartphones, tablets and TVs can connect with, to host the explicit visuals. It will be powered by a foldable 45W solar panel connected to a 245Wh battery power station.

The entry-level version of The Spank Vault has a list price of $1,499, but the company says anyone who registers will pay a founders’ price of $999. The bigger versions list at $1,949 and $2,599. The more you pay, the more porn you get.

The entry-level system gets you 5TB of storage with 20,000 videos and 900,000 photos. The middle-priced system gets you 20TB with 80,000 videos and 3.6 million photos. The highest-priced one gets you 40TB with 160,000 videos and 7.2 million photos.

That’s a heck of a lot of porn, whichever price tier you go for. The firm behind it said that The Spank Vault’s library was “curated”, and spans “thousands of genres and niches, with content going back as far as the 1970s”.

SEXTECHGUIDE put several questions to the company: where the library comes from, whether it is licensed for commercial use and if so from whom, whether the performers in those scenes have agreed to an AI engine making variations of their work, and whether a working unit exists yet. It has not responded.

The generative AI function trumpeted in The Spank Vault’s materials might allay the fears of preppers worried about exhausting even these huge porn libraries. The system reportedly has a local AI engine that, according to its makers, “makes endless mash-ups and variations” of the porn in the library.

The company said: “Seeds: saved. Billionaires: bunkered. Beans: stockpiled. Nobody is curating the world’s porn.”

You can register your interest for The Spank Vault on the company’s site now. Who knows if that interest will ever result in one of these things being delivered to your door before the world ends.