Finally, the feature that literally no one has been asking for has arrived on CamSoda [NSFW] – ‘Dick-ometrics’. It’s biometric security like using your retina or fingerprint, but instead uses a picture of your penis.
Putting our usual healthy dose of scepticism aside for a moment, to use the feature, you need to upload a picture of your Johnson (preferably aroused, as it makes image matching more accurate) as your baseline to match against. Then, each time you log in, you need to snap another picture. The ‘PRT’ (“Penis Recognition Technology”) will then check it against the image stored on file.
“With the launch of Dick-ometrics, we are taking things to the next level. Like a fingerprint and an eyeball, which are two of most commonly used body parts in biometric technologies, the penis has many, many differentiating factors like size, color and vein protrusion,” Darren Press, VP of CamSoda, said in a statement.
Now to return to that scepticism. Surely logging in with a password – or better yet, being logged in automatically with a password manager – makes a little more sense? Sillier still is Camsoda’s future iterations of the system, which are planned to use a physical biometric reader where you’ll literally place your penis on a pad to log in or the as yet unrevealed version for women.
Or perhaps it’s the time-saving feature you’ve been waiting for. Who knows.
It’s a pretty useful marketing exercise though. Now, cue the puns about your ‘password being too short’.