As sex is a sensual activity that stimulates all of our five senses—sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste—sex and physical intimacy can be challenging for autistic individuals, who often suffer from sensory sensitivity, which many studies suggest negatively effect their ability to enjoy or desire sex.
In this article, we spoke to two autism experts to understand how autism sensory processing issues affect sex, and the best sextech for partners to help overcome these issues.
What causes sensory sensitivity with autism spectrum disorder?
Dr. Caryn McAllister, DPT, a physical therapist and the CEO of High Quality Home Therapy, explains that for any person, sensory information is brought in from the body through the eyes, ears, and skin and processed in the brain, which then sends messages to the motor system to respond to that processed information. When the body ‘reads’ messages as too strong or not strong enough, it responds appropriately.
“The brains of people with autism are different, and process information differently,” Dr. McAllister says. “Many people with autism either crave or avoid sensory stimulation. When they avoid it, it’s because the sensations are bothersome.”
Dr. Sarah Melancon, a Sociologist and Certified Sexologist at Womens-Health.com, agrees and says that sensory processing involves both the brain and the autonomic nervous system, and that neurological differences with autism can alter this process.
“Individuals on the spectrum experience neurological differences compared to neurotypical persons, which can lead to increased or decreased sensitivity to sensory stimuli,” explains Dr. Melancon. “Some individuals experience a mix, depending on the specific sense.”
What are the challenges that autism presents with sex?
Dr. McAllister says that because sex involves a connection between people—both physical and mental intimacy—when people struggle with connections with others, and present with hyper- or hypo-sensitivities, sex can be a challenge.
“If someone doesn’t like to be touched, sex might be a little challenging. If someone likes to be touched a lot but the other person doesn’t like to be touched much, this can be a problem too,” says Dr. McAllister. “Everybody has a unique sexual rhythm so it’s not uncommon for one person to be in the mood for sex and the other to not be in the mood, regardless of any medical diagnosis.”
“When one or more senses are over-activated, sexual arousal is usually reduced, compromising erections or lubrication,” explains Dr. Melancon. “Sex becomes less pleasurable, sometimes leading to discomfort or pain. Sexual activity may need to be stopped altogether.” Dr. Melancon explains that each autistic individual—like a neurotypical person—experiences different types of sensory sensitivities and different degrees of magnitude.
“A sensitivity to touch may be one of the most challenging sensitivities when sexuality is concerned because touch is so central to typical sexual activities,” she advises. “However, that does not mean sexual activity must be a no-go. Couples can get creative, which can ultimately deepen their sense of intimacy with honesty, communication, and trust.”
In addition, Dr. Melancon says that there’s research to suggest that autistic individuals who have greater difficulties with social awareness tend to experience greater sensory sensitivities, further compounding challenges in the bedroom both socially and physically.
Given the sensory challenges associated with autism and their ramifications on physical intimacy, autistic individuals tend to experience a lower sex drive, particularly autistic women.
How to navigate sex with autism
“Consensual sex is an important part of healthy adult relationships. People with autism and their partners have to be mindful of each other’s needs when it comes to sex,” she advises. “Reading each other’s cues and enjoying the sensory experience is important, and communication is essential for optimal sexual experiences.”
Dr. McAllister provides the following suggestions for navigating sexual relationships as an autistic partner or with an autistic partner:
- Successful relationships, even sexual ones, require compromise and communication. She notes that communication can be both verbal and/or nonverbal. Either way, it needs to be open and honest.
- Be honest with your partner(s) and speak from the heart regarding how you feel with physical touch (for example, how much you need and want).
- Be understanding of your partner(s) needs because they also have their own set of needs that can be quite different from yours.
- Compromise. Both people can’t have everything they want all the time, so sometimes each must give to the other for both to be happy most of the time.
- Celebrate when you and your partner(s) are in the mood for intimacy instead of focusing on when you aren’t.
- Respect each other’s needs and wants.
Dr. McAllister shares an important point that most of us intuitively know, but it’s important to remember. As she says, “Whether someone has a diagnosis of autism or not, every human has different needs and wants. All human relationships require communication, compassion, love, respect, and understanding.”
What sextech products are available to accommodate sensory sensitivities in individuals with autism?
In addition to those general sex tips for autistic individuals, Dr. Melancon says there is a variety of sex tech that can support autistic individuals or others who have sensory issues that interfere with pleasure and intimacy.
Here are some of her top suggestions of sex tech for sensory issues:
Listen to Digital Erotic Stories Together
Apps such as Bloom, Dipsea, Quinn, FrolicMe, Orgasm Sound Library, and others share content such as erotic stories, the sounds of real people having real orgasms, erotic ASMR, guided masturbation, and (allegedly!) true sex stories.
This can help increase libido or arouse the partner who is interested in sex when the other is too sensory overloaded to participate.
Control Your Partner’s Pleasure
Remote-controlled sex toys, like Foxy by OhMiBod or Vibes Only’s Analise, may be an option, depending on which sensations you find enjoyable. Smart sex toys can be controlled with a remote or an app, so your partner can play a role in your pleasure. This can be a great option if the sensory-sensitive partner wants to pleasure their partner, but doesn’t want to be touched or do much of the touching themselves.
“The Lovense Nora (rabbit-style vibrator), Max, and Max 2 (male masturbators) can pair together and react to each other’s movements, getting couples as physically close as possible when touch isn’t an option,” suggests Dr. Melancon. “Any of these can be paired, meaning same-sex or trans couples can also enjoy it.”
Try the Lioness Vibrator
Dr. Melancon says the Lioness is the only vibrator of its kind. It measures movement in the pelvic floor, allowing individuals to ‘chart’ their orgasms and learn about patterns in the user’s sexual responsiveness.
According to Dr. Melancon, “If one can enjoy vibration and tends towards the nerdy side, the Lioness may be great for a mutual masturbation session—plus a fun post-sex activity of checking out the data!”
Explore Afterglow
Afterglow is a unique adult website created by women, for women (though plenty of men enjoy it too!) that integrates erotic entertainment with sexual exploration.
Membership includes communication and intimacy exercises to try with a partner, guided masturbation, and “how-to’s.”
Dr. Melancon says that enjoying Afterglow’s many features with a partner is a great way to enhance your connection even when physical touch is not on the table.
Enjoy AI Erotica
Various companies are getting creative with AI. For instance, there are a variety of AI erotica story generators popping up to fulfil the need for personalized adult content.
Pirr is an upcoming platform using AI to create erotic stories, which may be enjoyable for a couple to explore together when touch is off the table.
How to collaborate with your neurotypical partner to incorporate sex tech into your relationship
Even if you have the best sex technology for autistic individuals or those with sensory sensitivities, actually incorporating it into your intimate encounters can be its own hurdle.
This may be especially true if someone or both partners are uncomfortable talking about sex or the relationship is between individuals with different neurology and experiences with sensory perception.
Dr. Melancon provides a few tips for using sensory-friendly sex tech with your partner:
- Keep the focus on what you, your nervous system, and your body need rather than what your partner may be doing to overstimulate you. Use statements such as, “What I really need when I’m feeling sensitive to touch is…” or “If I get touched when I’m too sensitive, I experience this reaction…“
- If a partner starts to take it personally, reassure them they haven’t done anything wrong. Explain that this is just how your body works sometimes.
- Keep a fun and lighthearted attitude, as much as possible. “Sensory issues can make sex frustrating at times. Rather than focus on the problem, try to get creative and enjoy the process,” Dr. Melancon says. “At the same time, if you’re struggling a lot, talking to a sex therapist (ideally with your partner present as well) may be helpful.”
Finally, Dr. Melancon has a valuable takeaway.
“Often when we think of sex, we imagine going around the bases, so to speak, ending at ‘home plate’ with penile-vaginal intercourse. And sure, sometimes that’s fun, but a whole world of eroticism exists out there, and even more importantly, in our own hearts and minds,” she says. “Intimacy isn’t about achieving ‘perfect sex,’ but about being together in the moment, sharing experiences, and being vulnerable together.”
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